Wednesday Addams


[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair]
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"

[about to bury two people]
Pugsley: Are they dead?
Wednesday: Does it matter?

Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

Morticia: Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday: I'm going to electrocute him.
Morticia: But we're late for the charity auction.
Wednesday: But, Mother...
Morticia: I said no.
Pugsley: Pleeaaaase?
Morticia: Oh, all right.

Wednesday: May I have the salt.
Morticia: What do we say?
Wednesday: [sternly] Now.

Mrs. Tulley: What are you, darling? Where's your costume?
Wednesday: I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.

[to Pugsley, who is tied up, mumbling urgently around an apple in his mouth]
Wednesday: Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.
[she levels a crossbow]

[Pugsley is strapped in the electric chair]
Wednesday: [Cranking the switches] It has to warm up.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So it can kill you.
Pugsley: I knew that.

Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf, in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.

Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby weighs ten pounds, the cannonball weighs twenty pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The cannonball?
Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley: The baby?
Wednesday: There's only one way to find out. Ready? One... two... three.

Wednesday: [to Pugsley] Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic. Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.

Morticia: Children, what are you doing in there?
Pugsley, Wednesday: Playing.

Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.

Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them?
[lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.

Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new Nanny. What do we say?
Wednesday: Be afraid, be very afraid.

Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means "orphan."

Amanda: Hi, I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?
Wednesday: Like what?
Amanda: Like you're going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.

Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.

Wednesday: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.

Wednesday: [continuing a ghost story] And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin and he said to the campers "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power." And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.
[all of the girls scream]

Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: That's for damn sure.

[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky: It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary: But, aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.

Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character and the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.

[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, you will play golf, and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words.
Wednesday: And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: You're too weird.

Wednesday: [to Gomez and Morticia] You sent us to camp. They made us sing.

Joel: How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing.

Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel: How?
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.