"This is still my house. And in my house you still say 'Mother, May I?'."

"Article fourteen of the Super Mom handbook says no kicking assholes when they're down. They'd take away my halo."

"They talk big and they act tough. But the truth is, the thing that they're most afraid of - even more than his dad finding out and beating the shit outof him - is that you will stop loving him."

"Well, no need to worry...Michael can do it. He's a red-blooded all-American gay boy, which means he gets a whack attack three, four times a day!"

"Holy shit, I look ... nice."

"Come and give your mother a hug."

"Keep your pants on. At least until dinner."

"You should try to eat some of your protein off a plate."

"I never forget a butt ... especially a cute one."

"I've always said it's not who you love, it's how you love. Genitalia is just God's way of accessorizing."

"You get my tits in a knot, Sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep shit."

"You smother a pork chop, not a son."

"I want you to hear what I say on an empty stomach, so maybe you'll digest it."

"I know you're uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars with your mother. But look at it this way: if you meet somebody nice, you won't have to take him home to meet me because I'm already here."

"You're not lost. You're just full of shit. You're only lost if you're alone. You are surrounded by people who love you. You'll find your way."

"Keep it up, Sunshine ... the good work, I mean."

"I'm biting my tongue so hard I'm tasting blood."

"After a healthy breakfast, the best way to start the day is by telling me what the fuck's going on."

"Who says love's an easy ride? General motors? Michael's used to bumps. He grew up with me."